So as I am sure most of you, all of you, some of you have heard me in the last week or so say that I quit CrossFit. A few of you laugh it off, some of you believe I'm joking, I even got a "recharge" break comment, some of you are visibly worried, some of you have told me so.
I feel like I am going out on a limb here, and with another Living Social promotion running soon, I could be doing the gym a great disservice, but I need you all to know and understand what is going on with me. So, if you don't want to know, that by the end of this I am sobbing uncontrollably, or that my heart is breaking by realizing that right now CrossFit is not the best fit for me, then STOP reading now. Go to the gym tomorrow, see my smiling face and my pat on the back for you and do your BEST, and know I watch you all walk out the door after your hour or so with me and feel a tremendous sense of pride I get to lay claim to the best group of athletes a coach could ever wish for!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE what you need to know and understand is that I am not quitting you, BBCF, or the belief that CrossFit is the best (if done right) hands down fitness program there is.
I will still be by your side laughing with you, taping your wounds, yelling for you to "drive", changing your weights out, screaming "good job", hugging you sweaty and disgusting, crying tears of joy when you come to me like many of you have and said I have changed your life, made you feel ways you hadn't in 20 years, that because of me I helped you become... or change... or grow... or see a new way of life that you had given up on so long ago.
So you know, every time one of you comes to me and tells me I made a change in your life, I smile, I tell you how proud of you I am, thankful to be a small part if any in changes that have made you a better person, mate, physical specimen, motivator for others. Then I cry like a big old baby on my way home. I don't know why you feel I have done so much, I gave you the path, laid the foundation for you, but you all put the hard work the discipline the day in and day out to change. I held your hand and cheered you on knowing all along you had it in you, even if you didn't until the day you finally did know.
With that being said, I'm sorry to say I have lost that knowing, that I have it in me. I lost it a while ago, maybe last year before Fittest of the Sierras when my knee went and I tried to push through anyway, and then there in front of hundreds of people it went and I had nothing left, and so many of you asked me why I didn't place in the top 3, revenge my win from the year before. I felt like I had failed you all, to the point of vowing to never compete again, so I may never let any of you or me down again. Maybe it went when a load of personal crap happened, maybe it slowly wained over years of over training and destroying myself to quiet the things raging in my own head. I truly cant pinpoint the exact moment I lost it, but I have lost it, and that is to be no effect on any of you, ever! I AM YOUR BIGGEST CHEERLEADER!
Watching so many of you over the last two weeks PR on lifts, multiple lifts, not just one but multiple - Adam PR'D on two lifts today, two!!!!! Shaving minutes off of your Lurong Living Paleo Challenge benchmark workouts, watching my girls get bar muscle ups, is the greatest feeling in the world. Seeing the joy on your faces when you do it, the awe of realizing the potential you have, makes my heart soar for you all. I will never give up that feeling or on you, that I can promise!!!
It was brought to my attention today that I motivate, drive you guys, I am looked up to, a desire to be like, and I can not thank you all enough for those kind words.
But if you may, what happens when there is not that coach there to drive me, to cheer me, to watch me falter and tell me the good there was in it, but what I need to do to correct it. To watch and help me PR, to watch me fail, and I feel OK with failing in front of that person, and not that my failure just let you all down. To make sure I am getting stronger and not over training, to talk about my diet, my goals, or to even find the path to what my goals may be.
Who is my coach? Who do I look up to? Who do I aspire to be like? Who keeps my demons in check? Who looks at me when I walk in the gym and ask if I am OK and maybe I need to take the day easy? (and yes, Gene, Jason, and Adam, I know that last question was loaded because you all have and I recognize it)
So, with this and all that written above - I want you to understand I am by no means quitting any of you, or my belief behind what BattleBorn CrossFit and its coaches stand for, I am taking a break to find what it means to me personally and to my level of fitness and desire. To find a coach or a partner to help me work through my stagnant points, to help me get stronger or more mobile, or faster, or whatever the hell I determine I need to do or become. I might go to a spinning class a few times a week, back squat heavy loads and nothing else, I may just let my body and soul recover as the more time I take off these last few weeks the more sore and tired my body becomes. Try to get my diet in check again, discover what proper nutrition can do for a body less working out. I have even toyed with the idea of good old conventional body building again.
Whatever it is I choose, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU! I will always be motivating and cheering and tough when you need me to be, and that person for you all to listen too. My credentials don't change, my desire to be more educated, to see your aliments fixed, your bodies stronger, those looks you give that in your head I know you are spewing words of yuckiness to me, but when your done and laying on the floor the look of lets call it "grat-love" (gratitude and love). None of that changes, and hopefully before you know it you will walk in and i will be WODing next to you again, with a smile and new found determination!
YOU ARE MY HEROES and I THANK YOU ALL, and LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!
3 comments:
First of all, I feel confident that you have let NONE of us down!You are admired for much more than a title. You are amazing in many more ways than what one title can say about you! You have been asking a ton of your mind and body for a really long time, and maybe it is wise to let yourself rest or pursue alternatives. You don't have to be actively engaging in a sport to be an effective coach, and you are VERY effective! We all love you and respect your journey just as you love and respect us and ours. What I can tell you is that Crossfit isn't what changed my life. It was finding a Crossfit gym full of strong, kind people that are motivating, hard working and fun that has changed me. I love coming in every day knowing that I will find a coach ready to teach and cheer and a bunch of people just as crazy as me to subject themselves to that special kind of torture that keeps us coming back. There is a spirit at your gym that is hard to find or replicate. I just hope that you can find what you need for this time in your life, and I know that you'll figure out a way to make it compatible with continuing what you are doing at Battleborn. Keep your chin up!
~Joanne
First I would like to echo the previous comment and say you haven't let anyone down. My boys have only benefited from all you do. Yes, they are amazed and in awe of all you have done competitively, but more so they respect you. They trust you and may not like you so much at the end of a work out, but they love you when they see their results. But even they understand when a person needs to take a step back to figure what is still right for them. You are a wonder in all you do and all you choose to do.
You're awesome. Give yourself patience and rest. We have you in our thoughts.
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